ARGGHHH

Man,

I'm so frustrated with myself right now.  I feel like I'm being a bitch, but at the same time, I don't think I can just sit back and be upset with what's going on without saying something.

I don't want the accidents and mistakes of the past to happen again.  I remember what happened before, and I don't want to feel that way again and I want things to get good again. 

I want to lift people up and make them happy and help them, but all I seem to do is piss them off and make our lives even more frustrating and upsetting.

I know it's not MY problem, but it affects me.  I know what I want, and I don't think I'm getting it now, and I just wonder what it's going to be like down the road!

Are the things I'm saying now hurting that thing down the road, or are they going to help things get on the right track.  And what is it that's wrong with me?  I know some of it's my fault, but I can't see the picture because I'm inside the frame!

I just wish I could see from outside, and maybe from a few years in the future so that I could know what's going to happen. 

Screw you August!  You are a crappy month!

430 days

So today being July 27th means it's been 430 days since my mom has passed.

Yesterday, on the 26th I went to a wedding.  It was interesting because I'm not that close with the bride and groom and have drifted apart from many of my friends that were at that wedding.  It also made it a little uncomfortable when we had to deal with a slight seating situation, but thankfully and due to the kindness of the bride everything worked out and there were no issues from where I was sitting.  While it was a little strained from the various issues I enjoyed myself thouroughly until the Father-Daughter dance.  While that dance had little effect on me, it reminded me of something I knew was next which was the mother-son dance.

There won't be a mother-son dance at my wedding some day.  I'm okay with that, and it may be something that will be tough for me that day and tough for me next week and the week after as I attend two more weddings in which the groom's mother is still alive.

As "What a Wonderful World" performed by Louise Armstrong winded down, I knew what was coming so I quietly excused myself to the restroom, and heard the announcement as I was exiting the room, but I wasn't prepared for what was to follow the announcement of the Groom and his mother dancing.  The fantastic music of James Taylor began pumping out of the ballroom as he performed "How Sweet it is (to be loved by you)."  While this song in itself holds little signifigance for me, the music of James Taylor is very dear to my heart and held an important place in the relationship of my mother and father.

If you had been in attendance at my mother's funeral you would've been greeted at the very beginning of the service by my mother and father's song "Your smiling face" and while  the music of James Taylor doesn't reduce me to tears normally, when his music came on, I thought it was some kind of cruel joke.  Why should I be that affected by a song like that?  I don't  know. 

It's been over 430 days since I've seen her smiling face, and I still love her and miss her.  I'm glad that in normal functions I'm able to function perfectly, but I'm also glad that there are times where  the memory will bring me down very hard.  I don't want it to stop hurting, but at the same time I'm glad that it only hurts some of the time.

This is Just to Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

In the clutch

The Memphis tigers had a mental block  on Free Throws, but never fear... It's all in your mind.  You really can fight through in the clutch!

On Monday the mighty Men of Lambda took the Softball Field for an intramural showdown.  As we were assigning positions and getting the batting order setup the question came... "has anyone pitched before?"  Oh Crap I thought, you see I had pitched the day before when we played a little bit of friendly scrimmage when our opponents didn't show up for co-ed softball.  When asked, I agreed to pitch and I took the mound and went through a first inning with only giving up one run.  I was shocked especially considering I walked a guy to get the bases loaded, but only one of the runners scored. 

The game went on and in about the 4th or 5th inning, we were leading about 9-3, when our opponents basically decided they weren't going to swing until they had at least one strike.  Well you see this had been a problem, my inconsistency at the rubber had resulted in many walks and most of the time they were swinging at bad pichtes. 

When suddenly I could throw strikes.  I hadn't even had a called strike until that inning.  Really, it's all mental.  That's what I like to call clutch...  Also clutch hitting by Brett to hit a tripple with the bases loaded to put us up 14-3 and to call the game on runs.  Go KPsi!